Did You Ever Love Me? by Rithvik Singh is a tender contemporary poetry collection about love, heartbreak, longing, self worth and learning to let go. Its greatest strength is emotional accessibility: Singh writes directly to readers who feel intensely and care deeply. The collection offers comfort without pretending heartbreak is simple, though its simplicity may occasionally feel familiar to seasoned poetry readers. Did you Ever Love Me? Have you ever loved someone so completely that, after they left, you were left wondering whether they had ever understood what they had been given? Not merely whether they loved you, but whether they ever noticed how much you loved them, how much patience you offered, how many small things you remembered, or how often you chose to stay when leaving might have been easier. There is a particular loneliness in that question because it rarely arrives at a dramatic moment. More often, it finds you while you are doing something completely ordinary. Yo...
“Sometimes I think the answer lies in wondering if the lives we are creating for others are better than the ones we inherited ourselves.”
I am convinced that many people who are parents should not be. It is a bold statement, but when you strip away the romanticised lens through which we have been conditioned to view parenthood, it becomes harder to ignore the underlying truth: parenting is not something to be taken lightly. Nor is it a choice that should be made unless you are 100% certain—mentally, emotionally, and financially ready for it.
Is parenting more than just a biological destiny?
The moment you announce that you are pregnant, society collectively leans in, nods approvingly, and asks about baby showers and cribs. The truth? Being responsible for an entire human being is incredibly tough—life-altering, in fact. Yet, people still push forward with the idea that it’s something “you just do,” that it will all work out because, well, doesn’t it always?
In reality, parenting is a continuous job with no off-days. It doesn’t care if you're mentally unwell or emotionally drained, or if your bank balance is teetering on empty. The weight of raising a child extends far beyond changing nappies or making sure they eat their veggies. It’s about shaping a future adult who will walk into the world carrying the burdens and gifts you have passed on—whether you meant to or not.
Are we truly free to choose parenthood?
For many, the notion of “choice” in becoming a parent is a facade. Cultural and societal pressures weave together to create an illusion that you must have children to live a fulfilling life. Some of the unspoken rules you may have heard:
- “You can't not have a child.”
- “You give birth, we will raise them for you.” (A favourite line crooned by wannabe grandparents)
- “Three years of marriage—when are you planning to have a baby?”
- “You have a daughter, but if you have a son, it will complete the family.”
These are not just idle phrases—they reflect the deep-rooted expectations that many face. Especially for women, the assumption that you will eventually settle down and “complete the circle” by having children can feel like a cage, one that limits your ability to define your own life’s path.
This is not about hating the idea of having children; it is about questioning why the decision is presented as inevitable. The pressure to have kids often drowns out important considerations: are you mentally ready? Are you financially capable? Are you emotionally stable enough to guide another human through life’s maze? Or worse, are you ready to pass on your unresolved trauma, expecting the next generation to bear the consequences?
Can you handle parenting if you are not ready?
Consider this: A 2019 study by the University of Bath found that mental health struggles among parents were exacerbated by financial instability, social isolation, and lack of support. Depression rates were notably higher among those who felt ill-prepared or pressured into parenting.
Raising a child requires resources that go far beyond money—though financial stability is key. It also demands patience, emotional resilience, and a support system. And let us not forget the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the constant juggling of work, relationships, and self-care. When parents are stretched thin, children often feel the brunt of it.
Anecdotally, many parents I have spoken to describe an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. It isn’t just a “bad day” at work or a temporary feeling of exhaustion. It is a gnawing concern that they are somehow failing their children, because deep down, they know they were never truly prepared for this lifelong commitment.
What happens when society doesn’t give you a choice?
Let us look deeper into what happens when individuals aren’t given the choice to opt out. In many communities, the narrative surrounding parenthood is almost religious—refusing to have children can be seen as blasphemy against cultural norms.
This is especially true in places where women’s reproductive rights are restricted. In countries like Poland, recent changes to abortion laws have left women with little autonomy over their bodies. Likewise, the rollback of Roe v. Wade in the U.S. has raised alarms, as women find themselves cornered into unwanted pregnancies without legal recourse.
Imagine you are Anne Frank in modern times, trapped in the confinement of societal expectations. Much like Anne’s experiences during the Holocaust, the feeling of being powerless, of having your decisions taken away from you, reverberates in the lives of those who are forced into parenthood. Anne Frank's diary gives us a glimpse into the quiet despair of being denied the right to live freely—this is a sentiment that resonates with anyone who has felt the weight of expectations press upon them.
In Gaza, where lives are destroyed by the second, parents struggle to raise children in an environment of relentless violence. Many parents never had the opportunity to consider whether they wanted to bring children into a genocide. Because, in their society, family life is both expected and deeply cherished. Yet, what kind of life is it when you can’t guarantee your children will live to see another sunrise?
How do you know if you are ready for parenthood?
So how can you tell if you are ready? It is not a checklist that you can easily tick off. But here are a few questions that should sit with you before taking the plunge:
- *Are you emotionally secure enough to be a constant support system for someone else?
- *Can you bear the financial responsibility of a child?
- *Do you have the patience to handle the inevitable frustrations and challenges of raising a person?
- *Are you in a stable relationship, or at least have a strong support system around you?
One father I know said this: “I love my daughter more than life itself. But had I known the sheer weight of responsibility, I would have waited until I was in a better place mentally.”
This father’s experience isn’t unique. According to a report by the American Psychological Association (APA), many parents struggle with stress, and the pressure of being the “perfect parent” adds to their anxiety. Many individuals who have faced mental health struggles admit that they might not have become parents if they had been given the space to make an informed, unpressured choice.
Is society failing new parents?
We have set parents up to fail. From the moment a pregnancy is announced, it is all celebration and congratulations. But what happens after the baby arrives? The sleep deprivation and the loss of personal freedom. These are realities that society rarely addresses, leaving many new parents feeling isolated and ill-equipped.
Studies show that postpartum depression affects one in seven women. But what is less talked about is that fathers can also experience postpartum depression, with about 10 percent of men reporting symptoms after the birth of their child. It’s a silent epidemic, largely because there’s still a stigma around men expressing their struggles openly.
How do we break free from the pressure to parent?
It is time we change the narrative. People need to stop viewing parenthood as a compulsory milestone and instead as a choice—one that should be made with careful consideration, not based on societal expectations.
Think about it: Why are we so quick to push people into parenting, when we know it is one of the most mentally and emotionally taxing experiences? What if, instead of asking newlyweds when they are planning to have kids, we asked how they are doing mentally and emotionally? What if, instead of pushing people to "complete" their families, we allowed them the space to define what completion means for them?
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How can I know if I am mentally ready for parenthood?
Consider whether you’re emotionally resilient, have a solid support system, and have dealt with any unresolved trauma. A mental health professional can also help you evaluate your readiness.
2. What are the financial implications of raising a child?
The cost of raising a child varies depending on where you live, but on average, it can range from $200,000 to $300,000 over 18 years, including housing, education, and healthcare. ( Just a shot in the dark estimate)
How does societal pressure affect the decision to have children?
Societal expectations can make it difficult for individuals to make autonomous decisions about parenthood. Many people feel pressured to have children, even when they may not be ready mentally, emotionally, or financially.
Wrapping it up
Parenting is not a journey to be taken lightly. And while the joy of raising a child can be immeasurable, the responsibilities are monumental. Let us stop pretending everyone is cut out for it—because they are not. It is time we respect the choice not to have children just as much as we celebrate the choice to bring new life into the world.
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*Tushar Mangl writes on mental health, soul food, leisure activities, and a greener, better society. Speaker, author of *Hey Honey Bunch*, *Ardika*, and *I will do it.**
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